Lost soul

Sometimes I fear what could happen if I left.

For years, We've been building something that makes us one. Sometimes I try to imagine what living would be like without you. Without half of me. I wonder what kind of life could remain in a pile of ashes. How does one feel waking up every morning being just ashes. Just a city in ruins. Just debris. Feeling around all of the empty space that now means nothing and makes no sense if you aren't there. Feeling our home as a jail.

That's sad and fearsome. But I can imagine it. I can imagine living in a city in ruins. That has happened before. I've only known you for half of my life. I can figure out what being a ghost would be like.

But I can't imagine you alone. I can't picture you being reduced to ashes. To ruins. Missing me. Remembering my words. Feeling my absence in our favourite corners. Suffering. If I leave, I'd like you to go on and enjoy what life has to offer, I'd like our story to only add things, to make us only stronger or better or happier, to give us only sweet memories in case it ended. I'd give anything to be sure about that. But I cannot be.

And that hurts.

And I can imagine myself being a lost soul. And facing my fears. And desperately trying to go on.

But imagining you being a lost soul really scares the hell out of me.